Relationship Jokes

Husband's Compliments

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
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Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replieds, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"

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My better half and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So, she got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

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Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good -- mostly As and a couple of Bs.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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PMS
Q: Why do they call a woman's "time of the month" PMS?
A: Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Q:What's the difference between satanic possession and menopause?
A:You can get rid of satanic possession with an exorcism.

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