Do's And Don'ts Of Dealing With Survivors

Believe the survivor.
Even if she/he doubts themselves, believe it.
People do not make up stories of abuse/assault.
Let the survivor know that you are open to hearing
anything he/she wishes to share.

Join with the survivor in validating the damage
and be clear that abuse is never the survivor's
fault. The way the survivor dresses or 'behaves'
is not a reason for the abuse.

Don't sympathize with the assailant.
The survivor needs your absolute loyalty.
Respect the time and space it takes to heal,
and encourage the survivor to get support.
Get help if the survivor is suicidal and accept
that there will very likely be major changes
in your relationship with the survivor as she/he heals.

Messages that are important for the survivor
to receive during the healing process:

*I believe you.
*It's not your fault.
*I'm interested in hearing more.
*Let me go through it with you this time.
*Tell me what you're remembering.
*How can I help you feel safe?
*It's a normal responce to a horrible experience.
*Help me understand.
*Nothing you can say will push me away.
*Feelings aren't rational, they just 'are'.
*I'd feel angry too.
*If there are things you don't want to share with me, it's OK.

Messages that can sound blaming and discouraging:

*Did you try to stop the abuse/assault?
*Did you provoke it?
*Did you try to tell someone?
*Why didn't you try to do more at the time?
*Why were you in that situation in
the first place?
*Why do you think it happened to you?
*You can't blame others for your problems all your life.
*Aren't you over it yet?
*Can't we stop thinking/talking
about it for a while?
*We've all had bad things happen to us;
you are not special.
*That's not something I'd go around
talking about if I were you.
*Can't you just forget about it
and get on with your life?
*Pretend it never happened.

REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOO!
YOU ARE ENTITLED TO HAVE FEELINGS!

In helping the survivor, you might experience many
feelings. Recovery can be a long, slow process that may
take years. You may fear that the survivor will never be the
same again. You may feel guilt for what happened
to your loved one.
However, it is important to realize that your
feelings are natural. You have to try to
understand that the perpetrator
committed the crime - not you. You also should make
sure to help YOURSELF. Talk with people you can trust!
You too need support of others!
Do not take personally the hatred the
survivor might feel towards your gender,
if her/his perpetrator had the same gender as you do.
Talk to a counselor, educate yourself about rape
and rape prevention, and do not expect
to be able to make the survivor feel
better all of the time. Do not blame either survivor
or yourself - the only person who is at fault is
the person who committed the crime.