"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22).
"The One whose throne is in heaven sits laughing. . . ." (Psalms 2:4)
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones." (Pastor Jim Patrick, Salt and Light, Indianola, IA)
Matthew 12.9 Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, (vs 10.) and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked him, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?"(vs. 14) But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus. {Oh, so it's not ok to heal on the Sabbath, but it IS ok to plot murder...}
A young lad was vising a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service." Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or evening service?"
(by Lonnie Selstad, Tracy, CA as submitted to ECULAUGH)
What are the three similarities between praying and kissing?
. . . whether you do it with eyes open or closed
. . . whether you moan and groan in agreement
. . . whether you do it with tongues or not
Q: Did you hear about the group of dyslexic devil worshippers in the Ozarks?
A: They sold their souls to Santa!
Q: What do you call a charismatic at an auction?
A: Broke.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
Rumor has it Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for middle aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the
visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"
The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation: "Next Sunday our visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks. If you would like to see the other preachers, you will find them hanging in the vestibule."
Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.
Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well.
(Charles Haddon Spurgeon)
A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful." The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."
You know it's going to be a boring service when the ushers ask for your espresso order as they hand you a bulletin.
Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian." But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are a Quarter Pounder.
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
The things people pray ....
Church: "Lord, send Your revival..."
Voice from Heaven: "When revival comes,
Your church will be split...
Your finances will go bust...
Your projects may have to be shelved."
Church:: "Lord, keep Your revival!."
Church: "Come down Lord, in your mighty power.."
Zaaaap!! .. (a choir member falls)
Church: "Hold on, Lord.... not so fast !!!!"
Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."
Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."
Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."
No comments:
Post a Comment