(Retirement Isn't Enough...She Found A Second Income)
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
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There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
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Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Percy replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur.
Be careful."
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A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
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"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.
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Retirement Quotes
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." George Burns
"He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried." Geoffrey Madan
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." Groucho Marx
"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." George Burns
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." Bob Hope
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." Rita Rudner
"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time." Greer Garson
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." George Burns
"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." Woody Allen
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
George Burns
"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did." Robert Benchley
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt." Herbert Hoover
"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill." George Burns
"Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."
Milton Berle
"The secret of longevity is to keep breathing." Sophie Tucker
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick Moore
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen
"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." Rita Rudner
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen
"The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with - sudden death." Michael Phelps
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." Emo Philips
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson
"A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student." Ambrose Bierce
"If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you." MA Perlstein
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen
"There are three natural anaesthetics: Sleep, fainting, and death." Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho Marx
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it."
Somerset Maugham
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" Woody Allen
"Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down." Dick Sharples
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." Garrison Kielor
"The report of my death was an exaggeration." Mark Twain
"I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day." George Axlerod
"It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life." Jimi Hendrix
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." Ambrose Bierce
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?" Margaret Smith
"I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death." Phyllis Diller
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
Woody Allen
"Picasso was a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple little man. When I met him he was extremely excited and overjoyed that his mother-in-law had just died, and he was looking forward to the funeral." Edith Sitwell
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." Ed Furgol
"When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence." Brendan Behan
"The court was not previously aware of the prisoner's many accomplishments. In view of these, we see fit to impose the death penalty." Quentin Crisp
"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once." Samuel Butler
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
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