Death becomes her
(from - 23 January 2004)
Man scares wife but what about the neighbour...?
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
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Suits you sir!
(from wacky newz - 19 February 2001)
Husband to be trys it on for size
ATHENS - A bride-to-be suffered a nervous breakdown the night before her wedding on the Greek island of Crete when she discovered the groom, dressed in her wedding gown, in the arms of his best man. The future husband and wife were celebrating at separate parties when the bride's friends asked to go see the wedding dress at the couple's home. When they arrived, they found the gown-clad groom in a passionate embrace with the best man. The young woman has been treated at a clinic, and the wedding has been cancelled.
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Dial M For Mother
(from Reuters - 10 January 2001)
an embarrassing phone call
WIRES CROSS AS LOVERS DIAL M FOR MOTHER
LONDON, July 2 (Reuter)--A terrified British mother put police on red alert after mistaking the sound of lovemaking for a cry for help from her daughter. The Independent newspaper said on [July 2] that two accidental phone calls woke the woman in Devizes, southern England, in the small hours of the morning. Hearing moaning, groaning and shouting, she dismissed the first as an obscene call, but in the second she recognised her daughter crying: ``Oh my God,'' and heard a man's voice.
Convinced her daughter was being attacked in her bedroom 100 miles (160 km) away, she dialed the emergency number 999 and a police squad sped to the daughter's home to investigate. ``Officers rushed round and found she wasn't being attacked--in fact she was quite willing,'' a police spokesman said. ``They explained that during the moments of passion one of the couple [pushed an auto-dial button on their phone] with a toe. Unfortunately on both occasions it was the girl's mother's phone number,'' he said. ``This is a warning for other people--if you're going to indulge in this sort of thing, move the phone.''
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All's fair in Love and War
(from www.users.cloud9.com - 26 January 2001)
Taking it in turns to write a paragraph creating one single story, harmonious don't you think?
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
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At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %&#$!.
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Personal tales of woe...
(from Various - 05 December 2000)
True stories that have that wonderful cringe factor.
Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.
"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor reeks of BO and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again!"
"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
.........
You can see right into my garden from next door, so one day last summer, when my neighbour had a group of mates over, I went for a sunbathe on the patio, you know, to show off my muscles to all the girls. Unfortunately, when I jumped on the sun-lounger, I bounced straight off it again, right into a pile of fresh dog pooh on the lawn! Not only did I humiliate myself, I got a face full of muck and a sprained ankle too.
..........
I was on a double date with this girl called Polly, my mate Steve and his girlfriend. It all went really well - until the end of the night when I walked Polly home and decided to give her a goodnight kiss. Just as I leant over, Steve appeared and started pulling stupid faces behind Polly's back. I couldn't help laughing, but I wish I hadn't, because snot came exploding from my nose and landed all over her cheek! Funnily enough, that was our last date.
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INDECENT PROPOSAL
(from This is True - 13 August 2001)
Girlfriend put on loan
German folk pop singer Christian Anders, 56, needs a liver transplant. To pay for it, he's allowing millionaire Michael Leicher, 34, to "use" his 20-year-old girlfriend Jenna Kartes for a year for 500,000 marks (US$231,000). Kartes signed a contract after Leicher proposed the unusual agreement, which includes a one-year extension option. "I was shocked myself when I heard about this offer" Kartes said. "Christian and Michael decided on it behind my back." She doesn't seem to have trouble with the concept, however. "The girls who allow themselves to be taken home by any old guy from discos and jump into bed with them for nothing, those are the nutters. It's stupid. At least I am getting something for it," she said. "I will sleep with Michael because I love Christian. Perhaps he can then afford a new liver. Why should I feel like a prostitute about it?"
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Brazilian Mugger Leaves Executives Barefoot
(from jimwellssss2002 - 16 February 2004)
Mugger takes out a vendetta against executives
This is a real story I saw buried in a Rio de Janeiro newspaper:
There is a mugger on the loose in that city who only "holds up" well-dressed businessmen, lawyers, bankers, etc. That`s not too surprsing. What IS surprising is that he takes their wallet, their shoes and their socks, and leaves them barefoot in their fancy suits and ties."Jorge Ramos, 46, investment banker for one of Rio`s largest banking firms, was accosted at gunpoint and forced to turn over his wallet. Then the mugger, a young man in overalls, demanded that Ramos take off and turn over his dress shoes and his socks as well. Ramos argued, but the mugger claimed that it was `time for businessmen to know what it feels to be humble`. Ramos gave up his expensive shoes and socks, and was left barefoot in his Armani suit....A Rio police chief stated that several well-dressed professionals had been the target of similar holdups in recent months.
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Ridiculous sexual stupidity.
BREASTS CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH
Flashing your husband can be dangerous to your health -- and everyone else’s.... One woman from Maine found out the hard way. As she dropped her husband off for work, she gave him a kiss, and then, just for luck, she also gave him a quick flash of her breasts.
A passing cabdriver took a look, and then another, and was so intent on looking at the woman's breasts that he lost control of his cab, crashing into a nearby medical building and knocking off a piece of the building -- right onto the woman. Meanwhile, inside the building, a dental technician was cleaning a patients teeth when the cab crashed, and was so startled she jammed the dental pick into a patients mouth -- and he in turn, bit down on her hand so hard that he severed two of her fingers.
"I'm not sure why I did it," the Maine wife said after the incident, "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see it."
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