The Perfect Man
After careful consideration and endless debate the perfect man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD!
He's tan! He's cute! He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
~~~~~
Top Ten Most Polite Ways For a Woman to Say Your Zipper Is Down
-by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
~~~~~~~~
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
~~~~~
How to Impress a Woman
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her,
Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her,
Smile at her, Laugh with her,
Cry with her, Cuddle with her,
Shop with her, Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
~~~~~
This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.
Then, bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, four of whom were worth keeping.
REMEMBER! This chain brings luck. One woman's pit bull died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried Jewish woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a gynecologist. You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back.
~~~~~
Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife. "Let's swap positions tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
~~~~~
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
~~~~~
There's very little advice in men's magazines because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield
~~~~~
Advice to men: The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
~~~~~
Did you guys ever wonder if things wouldn't have been a lot better for us all if God would have used a funny bone instead of a rib?
~~~~~
Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal
~~~~~
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -- Jay Leno
~~~~~
And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
~~~~~
New Words to an Old Dylan Song:
How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost?
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks?
How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen The Three Stooges enough?
The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend.
How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out?
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house?
How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch?
The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin.
Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again?
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain?
How men really feel is a mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them.
The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin...
The answer is driving me to gin.
~~~~~
Memo to all follicle impaired men: "If you are over 40 and losing your hair, wearing a pony tail does not make up for it."
~~~~~
The Directions Thing
One day three men were walking along and came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river." And, poof! GOD turned him into a woman.
She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
~~~~~
Behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry. -- Sally Forth
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