Feelings

You Are Not Alone !!!

The purpose of this page is to look at the complex issues of feelings that abuse victims can experience. It is our hope that if you are a victim, you will realise that whatever your feelings, you are not alone.

Understanding your own feelings can help you to gain some self respect.

If you are a friend or trusted relative of a victim, this page may help you to understand just a little more about them.

All victims do not experience all emotions in the same way, but here are some examples of what a sexual abuse victim can feel.

Fear - Abuse victims are often afraid, and not only of their abuser. They may be afraid of telling anyone about their abuse. Sometimes the abuser has repeatedly told them that they will not be believed or that they will be punished if they tell anyone. They may be afraid of losing the trust of a friend or relative if they tell them. The fear experienced by an abuse victim is very deep and very real. Fear can be triggered by a wide variety of situations, comments and actions. An abuser may consciously use fear to control his/her victim. Innocent comments made by friends or relatives, newspaper articles, television items, a knock at the door, the telephone bell, a sound, a smell; - these and many other apparently simple things can trigger the onset of fear in a victim, sometimes to the point of creating a panic attack.

Loneliness - Naturally, an abuse victim may feel extremely lonely, even in a crowded room. A victim's friends or close relatives may not be able to see this loneliness, and that can make the loneliness even more difficult to bear. The pain and suffering an abuse victim experiences is not visible to others. It is in their mind and in their heart. If you are a victim, and feeling lonely, please do not be afraid to e-mail me privately, post a message, or contact one of the help organizations.

Controlled - Often, the abuser thrives on being in control. This is made easier for him/her if their victim is a child. A victim can feel that control even if the abuser is far away. Once a victim has found the courage to tell someone about their situation, it is important that they are allowed to be in control of what happens next. Well meaning friends or relatives naturally want to protect the victim, but supporting a victim is more important than taking control of the situation.
For a victim, learning to regain control of themselves can take some time, but it is an integral part of the healing process.

Guilt - To someone who has not been abused, this may seem difficult to understand, but abused people often feel guilty. An abuser may condition his/her victim into believing that what is happening is their own fault. A victim who has been brought up to understand the difference between right and wrong may feel that they should be able to do something to stop the abuse, but because they cannot, they may feel guilty. If this is how you feel, please understand that although this a natural reaction, you have no need to feel guilty. Your abuser is the only guilty party.
You have done nothing wrong! - and your abuser has made you feel guilty in order to protect himself/herself from detection.

Worthless - Because of the nature of the suffering, a victim may feel worthless and/or dirty. This is quite natural, but not justified. Often these feelings may be encouraged by the abuser because it makes his/her victim weaker and easier to control, but the truth is that it is the abuser who is worthless and dirty.
If you are a victim, please believe that you are a valuable member of the human race and you have done nothing to be ashamed of. Believe it, because it is true!

Helpless - Intimidated by an abuser, a victim may feel helpless, having been told that all kinds of awful things will happen if they tell anyone. If you feel like this, be aware that you have a right to live in safety and without abuse. Often the reactions an abuser has predicted do not materialise, and people will listen to you and believe you. It may be very difficult for you to tell someone, because your abuser has made you believe that it would not help you. If you can not tell someone you know, then tell a stranger. Me, or an organization that specializes in helping abuse victims, a friend's parent, a teacher, a social worker, a doctor, a nurse or the police. If you feel that you cannot do anything to help yourself, get someone else to help you. You deserve to be free of your abuser, and the power of good is on your side!