People Are Funny

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we still don't know where she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
- Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation rmy instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
- Dave Barry

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
- A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called Hell. Maybe Hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- Jim Carrey

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
- Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals; We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I worry that the person who thought up rap music may be thinking up something else.
-Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?
-Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.
- Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
- Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld

I think that's how Chicago got started: A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West."