Things It Can Take A Lifetime To Learn

-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

-If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

-There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

-You should not confuse your career with your life.

-Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

-Never lick a steak knife.

-The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

-You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

-The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

-Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.

-People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

-Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

-If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will
get soaking wet.

-The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are
urinate and attend funerals.

-The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive or get forgiveness - hard to come by.

-Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to
cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

-Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

-Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

-After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.