Lessons In Life

Lesson I - Never, ever assume that your boss knows everything.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson II - If you are rich, you can get away with almost anything.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up b****! I said, I want to open a damn checking account! Right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager thoughtfully, "And you're saying that this b**** here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to L.A. when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese, confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, yelled, "What kind of -ese are you? Are you Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, or what?"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of "-key" was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -key am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, a donkey, or a monkey?"

Lesson IV - Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in.

There were these four guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the four guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "I will give each of you one wish that I'll fulfill. Next to you are four swimming pools. When you run towards the pool and jump, shout what you want the pool of water to become, and your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "Wine!" The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next was the Russian's turn. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka!" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "Beer!" He was content with his beer pool.

The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "S***!"