Arranged Marriages

As I tried dating and online services such as E-Harmony and found it lacking, I, Rachel am reintroducing arranged marriages in the belief that they will help combat the rising divorce rates that undermine our society. I feel I would be best served as a matchmaker instead of an active participant. To benefit from this service, please read the FAQs and register below.

FAQs
What is an arranged marriage?

An arranged marriage is a venerable tradition whereby husband and wife are selected by others, such as the parents, the village idiot, or in this case me. Many communities throughout history have employed this practice; indeed the modern "self-service" marriage is the exception not the rule.

When do I get to meet my future wife/husband?

At the altar, or the marriage registration office if it is a civil ceremony. It is important not to see or meet each other beforehand so as to preserve the element of surprise, which everyone knows is vital to any couple's long-term prospects.

How do I know my future wife/husband will be suitable?

Firstly, they will share your enthusiasm for my special brand of humor, which in itself fairly guarantees compatibility. Secondly, a spouse should be very much an acquired taste. Love at first sight is a myth; you must learn to love whomever I select for you. You must ignore any tattoos, bad habits or piercings.

Are arranged marriages legal?

Absolutely, although some pastors and/or officials may have misguided notions regarding motives, particularly where foreign nationals applying for residency are concerned. That is why I am here to guide you through the procedure...as my ex married me for my citizenship and I have experience in this area.

How much will it cost?

Not much at all. I only require an administrative fee equivalent to 5% of the cost of the average wedding or your first-born child if it is a girl (or a really cute boy), whichever means the least to you.. Not only that, you will receive a free copy of every blog entry I have made as a wedding present.

How long will it take?

Register now, and you could be married within two weeks! There is a waiting list of candidates, one of whom could be your perfect match...Most of which were chosen for me on E-Harmony. All 50 states are represented as well as the Middle East and Cuba. What do you have to lose? Not too much, I hope.

What if it doesn't work out?

I estimate that arranged marriages have an excellent chance of lasting a minimum of 10 years longer than others. This is because both partners go into the marriage firmly committed to the challenge of making it work since it isn't based on looks or hang-ups. And if it doesn't, I will give your first-born child back as a teenager or arrange-marry you again at no extra cost.

Why am I doing this?

Because I care...(and because it is easier to mess with someone else's love life than to develop one myself).

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Fill out this form:

Yes! I want you to arrange my marriage:

First name:
Last name:
Your email address:
Your height:
Your weight:
Your age:
Gender:
City:
Country:
Favorite food:
Favorite band:
Favorite color:
Dates available for the wedding:
Number of guests you would wish to bring:
Any other details/special requests? (age/language requirements/religious orientation)
Pets:
Favorite movie:

Disclaimer: (check box if in agreement)

_____I hereby agree to marry whosoever Rachel deems to constitute a good match for me. I understand that the choice of spouse is based entirely on the information I have provided, and that the first time I will meet said spouse is on the wedding day itself. I agree not to hold her liable for any error in choosing or failure of said marriage, as I must be pretty desperate to try this in the first place. I release all claim to my first-born child if that is the method of payment I choose.

****I appreciate your business. Have a great day. And remember...I laugh with you not at you as I pick your future spouse.