Unconditional Love

By Jay MacInnes


"You’re embarrassing,” the woman told her dying husband as she stared at his charred body. “I couldn’t walk down the street with you.”

Lying in the hospital, Dave Roever heard the bleak words and watched the woman set her wedding ring on the bed and walk away. Because he was one of the many Vietnam veterans identified only with the help of medical charts, images of his wife crying out in disgust, then abandoning him, permeated his mind. And I wouldn’t blame her if she left me, either, he thought.

His own white phosphorous grenade had exploded inches from his face, apparently hit by a bullet.

The boat crew on river patrol in Vietnam had been certain he was dead. That left him with only 60 percent of his skin, one ear and a partially burned face.

He knew no one could love him, particularly not his 19-year-old bride. When Brenda entered the hospital ward, he prepared for the worst. But instead, she bent down and kissed what was left of his hand.

“Welcome home, Davey,” she said. When she called him “Davey,” he knew he wouldn’t have to face the future alone.

For the next 14 months, Dave’s body healed. Besides enduring 13 major operations and numerous minor ones, he underwent skin treatment so intense, tears streamed down his face.

When Brenda brought him to their apartment in San Antonio, a different kind of pain attacked him. Rediscovering his dignity and worth as a wounded war veteran became his greatest challenge.

With a rock-solid faith in God and a wife who stood by his side through the toughest of times, Dave Roever learned he has something more important than a pretty face.
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“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” 1 John 4:18

We use the word “love” frequently. What is love? Some of the difficulty we have in describing love is because we have only one word in the English language to describe a very complex emotion.

In the Bible the word love can mean: security, desire and friendship. The most profound expression of love is unconditional love (Greek: agape). Agape love is an action you make happen-a love you determine to give by an act of your will. It is not fueled by emotions or based on the other person’s performance-agape love is a choice.

Jesus Christ is the supreme model of pure agape love. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God’s love is the perfect example of unconditional love. But how about us who are less than perfect; what does unconditional love mean?

While serving aboard a gunboat in Vietnam, Dave Roever was holding a phosphorus grenade some six inches from his face when a sniper’s bullet ignited the explosive. Here he describes the first time he saw his face after the explosion:

“When I looked in that mirror, I saw a monster, not a human being…My soul seemed to shrivel up and collapse in on itself, to be sucked into a black hole of despair. I was left with an indescribable and terrifying emptiness. I was alone in the way the souls in hell must feel alone.”

Finally he came back to the States to meet with his young bride, Brenda. Just before she arrived, he watched a wife tell another burn victim that she wanted a divorce. Then Brenda walked in.

“Showing not the slightest tremor of horror or shock, she bent down and kissed me on what was left of my face. Then she looked me in my good eye, smiled, and said, “Welcome home, Davey! I love you.” To understand what that meant to me you have to know that’s what she called me when we were most intimate; she would whisper “Davey,” over and over in my ear….By using her term of endearment for me, she said, You are my husband. You will always be my husband. You are still my man.”

Let me address those of us who are married or soon to be: This is what marriage is all about. Marriage is another person being committed enough to you to accept the real you. It means two people working together to heal their deepest wounds. If you accept only in part, you can love only in part.

And if you love in part, your mate’s self-esteem will never be complete. You have the ability to love your mate unconditionally and heal his or her deepest fears and wounds. Remember, “Perfect love (agape love) casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18)