Loving Your Spouse To The Extreme (for women)

-By Rick McGinness

Because of the nature of this topic, I feel like maybe I should issue a few disclaimers. I realize it's one thing for a man to talk to men about how to be better husbands, but that it's quite another for a man to talk to women about how to be better wives.

I also feel like maybe I should explain that since I don't know experientially what life is really like for women in this world, I realize that it might seem a little presumptuous for me to make any comments about what wives should or shouldn't be doing. I feel like maybe I should try to grease the skids for what I'm going to say in this message by pointing out that I was pretty blunt with the men last week, which somehow gives me the right to be blunt with the women this week.

But even though I might feel this way and even though those things might be true, I'm not going to say anything about them.

That's because my purpose is not to talk about what I think or to express my opinions. My purpose is to talk about what the Bible says and hopefully, through that, to express God's opinion. Truth is truth no matter where it comes from, so I hope you ladies will not allow the fact that you're hearing it from a man cause you to stumble. I hope you will consider what God says about this issue.

That's been my goal throughout this - that we will consider what God has to say about marriage. I suspect that at least one of the contributing factors behind the rate of marital failure in our society is that we place far too much faith in the opinions of men and women and far too little in the opinions of God.

After all, God created marriage. He ought to have something to say about how it's supposed to work! Actually, it may not be totally accurate to say that God created marriage, because what He really created was the first wife. And He had something to say about that act of creation.

After the first man, Adam, was created, the Bible tell us that ...

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him." Genesis 2:18 [NLT]

God created the position of "wife" to fulfill a very specific purpose - to be a companion who will help her husband.

By the way, it's intriguing to me that in no other act of the creation is the "why" explained this directly. The Bible doesn't tell us why God created light, or why God decided to put fish in the sea or plants on the land. But when it comes to the creation of the first wife, the "why" is very clear. She is to be "a companion who will help him."

That doesn't mean that her whole life has to consist only of this one purpose, but it does mean that in her position as wife, this is the role God has designed for her to play. It's important to understand this principle, because it's the foundation of everything the Bible says on this issue and it's the foundation of what it means for a wife to love her husband to the extreme.

But, before we get into that, I need to make a parenthetical statement. I want it to be very clear that what we're talking about today is the role of a woman in marriage, not the role of a woman in society. What we're talking about is the relationship between one woman and one man - her husband, not the relationship between one woman and every man. Those are two distinct issues.

Unfortunately, many well-meaning preachers and teachers have taken the biblical principle of the relationship between husbands and wives and misapplied it to relationships between men and women in general. I say it's unfortunate because I'm pretty convinced that this was not God's intention, but also because this misapplication served to marginalize women in our society. For a long time in this country, women were denied the right to vote, denied to right to be full players outside of the home and even denied the right to be players in the church.

So, back in the early 1900s, when many women (and men) began to speak out against this kind of discrimination, the crusade to obtain equal rights for women was born. It continues to this day - and rightly so, I believe, because Jesus himself was a crusader for women's rights.

However, these feminists (and I use that term in a complimentary sense, not as a political label) made a similar mistake to the one that the preachers and teachers did. They took the principle of a woman's role in society and applied it to the arena of marriage!

As a result, many women today enter marriage thinking that since they can do and be whatever they want in society, it ought to work that way in the home, too. The idea that a wife should be "a companion who will help" is completely foreign to a lot of women, and scorned and ridiculed by many others.

Two Types of Marriages
And that's very unfortunate, because when a woman does not accept that role, the consequence is marital disharmony and possibly disaster. Look in your outline.

After Adam and Eve sinned, God spoke to them individually.

To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children.

Most of us can understand that, either from firsthand experience or from observation. But, then God says something very odd, at least at first glance.

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Genesis 3:16 [NIV]

What does that mean? Is God talking about sexual desire, or a desire to experience emotional closeness? I don't think so. I won't get into the technical explanation, but the word translated "desire" doesn't literally means "the desire to conquer."(1)

So, what God is saying here is that one result of sin's presence in this world is that a wife will experience a desire to conquer her husband, to push him out of the way and take the position that God has given him. Sometimes that happens in an out and out rebellion. Sometimes it happens in ways that are much more subtle.

And there's a flip side to this, which is revealed in the second half of God's statement to Eve. God says, "you will try to assume your husband's position ... and he will rule over you."

The word translated "rule" is odd in this context, because it's not typically used to describe family structure in ancient Hebrew literature. It's most often used to describe a form of government that's ruled by a king or a dictator,(2) a system in which there's no room for any other voice to be heard other than that of the absolute authority.

That's a pretty dramatic scene isn't it? Dictators and rebels - it sounds like the description of a civil war, doesn't it?

What you may not realize is that this is also a description of "cursed" marriage ... one in which the wife seeks to conquer and the husband seeks to dictate.
It's "cursed" marriage because these behaviors of wives and husbands are the result of the sin that's inside of us and that we bring into our marriage. It's cursed because, as they say, "war is hell" and that's what this kind of marriage eventually comes down to - a power struggle. The wife decides she doesn't want to be the "helping companion," so the husband tries to force her into it by becoming a dictator. Or the husband becomes so dominating that the wife rebels and rises up to challenge his position.

Not exactly what you'd call wedded bliss, is it? Unfortunately, for many of us, this is the everyday experience of marriage.

But it doesn't have to be that way, because there is another option. It's the kind of marriage portrayed in the scripture that we looked at last week. When we read it then, I removed the parts that refer to wives because we were trying to understand what God says about the husband's role, but I put those "wife" parts back in for today.

The passage starts out with a very extreme statement (at least it sounds extreme in this culture!) It says ...

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25 [NIV]

This is a completely different kind of marriage. Instead of seeking to conquer, the wife voluntarily submits to and supports the position that God has given her husband. Instead of seeking to dictate, the husband reflects the sacrificial love of Christ who gave up his very life.

This is a "redeemed" marriage ... one in which the wife seeks to submit in humility, and the husband seeks to lead in love.
I call it "redeemed" because it's marriage rescued from the curse, it's marriage restored to the original intention of God when He created the first wife. It's "redeemed" marriage because the promise of harmony replaces the guarantee of a power struggle. It's "redeemed" because it's the kind of marriage that's supposed to characterize followers of Christ, who themselves have been redeemed from the dead-end curse of sin and its dominion over their lives and relationships.

What "Love" Means
So, in the time that remains, let's paint a picture of what this kind of marriage looks like from the point of view of the wife.

I've got four statements that I think represent what the scripture says on this kind of extreme love, but I also need to say that it's obviously a lot more complex than that. Jetta and I have spent over two decades wrestling with how the principle of husband leading and wife submitting works out in real life and we still struggle with it. So I know that what I'm going to say here will be woefully inadequate, but at least it will provide a place for you start thinking about it.

So here we go.

1. Extreme love, ladies, means accepting your husband's position as "head."
That's the obvious first step. He's the head, you are not. He's responsible to lead in the marriage and in the family, you are not. That's sounds offensive to even say it that way, but the truth is that in every organization somebody has to be the leader. God says it's not you. If you're going to do marriage the way He designed it, you have to accept that.

But "accepting" means more than just gritting your teeth and going along with it. It means supporting and encouraging your husband in his role and, frankly, he needs your support and encouragement.

If you will think about it for a minute, you'll realize that your husband's responsibility before God is huge. I don't know one man (including myself) who feels equal to the biblical job description of "husband" which we talked about last week. As men, we're all sinners inflicted with a curse that drives us to lead by dictating, but what God expects of us is to lead through gentleness, sacrifice and love, just like Jesus did. That's a little overwhelming.

And it's more than a little overwhelming to your husband to know that one day, because he is the head, he will be called to account for his stewardship of you. One day, God is going to ask me, "Rick, what did you do to help Jetta become all she can be? Was she transformed into a radiant woman because of your continued influence on her life?"

I sure hope I can say "yes," because that's my goal, but honestly, I'm not very well equipped for the task. It sure helps me to know that my wife is rooting for me and praying for me to do that job well, instead of challenging every step of the way my position as head - which, by the way, I never asked for.

Practically speaking, it takes a lot of faith for a woman to pull this off. That's exactly what the Bible says in 1 Peter 3 ...

You wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior. Don't be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 1 Peter 3:1-6 [NLT]

This is a faith issue between you and God, because there are times when you're going to see something so clearly and your husband is just not going to get it. At that point, you're going to be tempted to manipulate the situation, to do an end-run to make something happen. It takes faith to say, "no, it's not my place to do that. I'm going to pray and trust that God will work through my husband, my head."

There will be times when he is certain of a decision and you are not. And you're going to be tempted to fight it every step of the way. It takes faith to say, "I don't understand, but I support you and I submit to your leadership."

Now, I can hear some of you ladies thinking, "so, does this mean that I never speak up, that I never disagree with my husband?" Absolutely not. You'd better speak up! You are the God-given companion sent to help him.

There are times in our married life when Jetta has strongly disagreed with something I wanted to do and she challenged me, and in the end I've said to her, "I'm am so glad you pointed that out. I would've led us to do something really stupid. Thank you."

But on the other hand, there have been times when I had to say, "honey, I hear your concerns, but I think this is the way God wants us to go."

Ladies, when your husband says something like that and a decision is made, it's time to stop talking and start supporting, unless it's something abusive or illegal or immoral. In that case, you find help for your marriage and your husband from someone on the outside. That's your role - you're the helper.

By the way, gentlemen, if you have to invoke your positional authority every day, or you have to use it in trivial matters, that's a sign of a serious problem. Either your wife is afraid to trust you, in which case you need to love and serve her more; or she's afraid to trust God, in which case you need to model faith for her and pray for her; or, it could be a sign that your leadership skills are weak. No good leader has to be in on every decision! In that case, you need to read some books on leadership or get around other men who are good leaders.

Bottom line, ladies, extreme love means accepting your husband's position as head.

2. It also means showing respect for your husband.
Each one of you [husbands] must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 [NIV]

Now, respect obviously applies to the position of head that your husband holds, but it goes much further than that. Did you catch the words to the song the band did earlier?

"She's always telling me to hold on to my dreams even when my hope is gone. Some may say that dreaming's just for fools and there are times I thought that might be true. But she thinks I could rope the moon. In her eyes there is nothing I can't do. When I think it's out of reach she's the reason I still try. She thinks I could rope the moon."(3)

That's respect, and I can't overstate, ladies, how important that is to your husband. He needs to know that you believe in him.


Ladies, you need to focus on what he is doing well and let him know that you notice. That's hard to do, because you also see the junk and failure that no one else sees.

In fact, about a month ago, Jetta said "You know, it hit me that everybody else looks at you and thinks you are great guy because they're looking at the 80% of you that is great. But I see the other 20% that sometimes isn't so great. My tendency is to focus on that 20% and think less of you. I need to start focusing on the 80%."

So, the other day, she sent me this e-mail: "I want you to know how proud I am to be your wife. You are an incredible, admirable man of God. No, I didn't say you were perfect, but you are awesome as a husband and father. I would not be half of who I am today as a teacher, mom, friend, vocalist, etc, etc, without your support, wisdom and strength. Thank you for loving me."

That's respect. And do you know what that makes me want to do? It makes me want to be an even better husband and father.

Now, I know that some of you are thinking, "How can I respect my husband if he acts like a jerk all of the time? What if the 80/20 principle is reversed? What if only 20% of him is great and 80% is not so great?"

The answer is the same. Focus on respecting the 20% and on respecting his position as your head. And pray like crazy.

All this talk about your husband's weaknesses leads to the next point.

3. Extreme love means acknowledging his efforts to grow in gentleness.
As we've seen, the natural tendency, because of sin, is for a man to lead through intimidation and dominance. And I mentioned last week that guys can do tremendous amounts of damage to their wives and children because of this. I piled up a pretty good stack of relational carnage over the first 10 years of our marriage, before I came to my senses.

But when I did, and I repented and began to try and change my attitude and actions, it was very discouraging when Jetta couldn't see it. Now, I can't blame her, because when you get hurt, the natural tendency is to respond out of self-protection, but it sure was painful to not get much credit for my efforts.

I stuck with it because it was a "God-thing" in my life and after a couple of years of consistently trying to be a gentle leader, things eventually changed. She began to open up to me again.

And since then, I've gone around telling husbands - preaching to husbands - that "it may take years for your wife to believe that you are sincere in your gentleness. But you need to suck it up and keep doing it even if she doesn't trust what she sees, even if she doesn't respond in the way you hope." I've lost track of the number of husbands to whom I've said that and many of them have seen the light.

But I now I need to say something to you wives: will you please cut the man some slack!? He's trying to change. He's at least making an effort. Help him. Root for him. Encourage him.

The scripture is very clear about this.

A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1 [NLT]

What a sad picture! Your husband is trying to re-build your marriage and every time he puts a brick in the way, you come along right behind him and take it out. I know it will take time to totally recover, especially if your husband was anything like me, but you've got to encourage him.

Maybe just say, "honey I see the effort you are making, but my heart just isn't there yet. But I'm praying that God will change my heart."

Extreme love means acknowledging his efforts to grow in gentleness.

4. One more thing on the list - extreme love means accepting the responsibility to be his sexual partner.
I don't want to spend much time on this, but look at what God requires of a husband in this area of his life.

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, with an immoral woman, or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman? Proverbs 5:18-20 [NLT]

In very graphic language, God is telling husbands to seek their sexual satisfaction at home. This means that, in many ways, you are the key to your husband's holiness in this area. You are the only legitimate outlet for his sexuality, which as you've probably noticed by now, is quite different from yours. I've not met one married man who does not struggle in this area in one way or another.

You aren't responsible for his struggle, but you are the companion that God put there to help him with it, and extreme love means trying, as much as possible, to accommodate him.

Now, I'm sorry I have to say this, but since there is so much perversion these days ... accommodation doesn't mean putting up with abuse or immorality. In that case, your responsibility is to get help. That's your role.

Conclusions
Now, let me ask you a couple of questions, ladies. What is your marriage like today? Are you living according to the pattern of a "cursed" marriage that's constantly filled with strife and battles over control? Or, are you living in a "redeemed" one that is growing in harmony and real love? What's it like in your home?

What could it be like tomorrow if you started to apply these principles? What if instead of challenging your husband's headship before God, you accepted it with grace and humility and decided to support him? What if you decided to show him respect for who he is and what he does instead of nagging him over his faults?

What would happen if you began to consistently acknowledge his efforts to grow in gentleness, if you gladly accepted the responsibility of being his sexual partner?

If you began to love like this, I think your man would be transformed and I think your marriage would be transformed. But it comes down to the same two issues I talked about at the close of last week's message.

1. First, you have to admit that "if I am to love in this way, I must choose to do it."
You've got to make a conscious decision to head in a new direction on this.

2. Second, you must recognize that "if I am to love in this way, I must change."
You've got to become a different person. Submission and support is unnatural for any human being.

My hope is that you will make these choices and ask God to begin to change your heart if that's what's needed.

Having said all of this ... I need to add one more thing and this is for the guys. I've spoken to your wives about what God expects of them, but do you know what? It's not her sole responsibility. You are still the head. It's your responsibility to lovingly and gently lead your wife into it.

ENDNOTES

1. Susah Foh, "What is the Woman's Desire?" (quoted in Grudem). Foh points out the striking Hebrew parallel between this verse and Genesis 4:7 where God says to Cain, "sin is crouching at the door, and it's desire is for you, but you must master it." The Hebrew word translated "desire" in both verses is "teshuqah."

2. Wayne Grudem, Systematic Theology, pg 464.

3. John Michael Montgomery, "Rope the Moon"