My Idea Of Philosophy

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

* Does fuzzy logic tickle?

* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.

* I prefer the sign that says "No Entry" to the one that says "No Exit".

* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.

* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.

* It's funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.

* Compact cars make people look bigger.

* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.

* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?

* Less is more.

* The first condition of immortality is death.

* They can because they think they can.

* Think before you think.

* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.

* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.

* Strangers are only friends we haven't met.

* That which we are, we are...

* Sure it's a cruel world, but where else is there to go?

* We are the people our parents warn us about.

* Some people think it's the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it's the letting go.

* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.

* If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

* Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.

* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

* It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.

* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.

* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

* Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.

* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.

* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.

* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.

* Decadence is its own reward.

* An honest politician is one who stays bought.

* Organize for anarchy!

* Circular definition: see "circular definition."

* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!

* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

* I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there.

* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

* Do some infants enjoy infancy as much as some adults enjoy adultery?

* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

* "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"