Maxine's Wisdom

-An apple a day keeps everyone away if your aim is good enough.

-Remember, when life hands you lemons...tuck 'em inside your bra.
Couldn't hurt! Might help...

-Age doesn't make us forgetful. Having way too many stupid things
to remember makes us forgetful.

-The difference between the IRS and loan sharks is that loan sharks
are much more lenient about late payments.

-Life is like an oven. It burns my buns.

-I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean
the mirrors as quickly as possible. I also want to finish before
any guests arrive.

-Fashion magazines are society's way of saying, "If you don't feel
inadequate already, read one of these!"

-I figure a jelly donut has fruit in it, and that makes it healthy.

-My soul's had enough chicken soup. It wants some chocolate.

-Know what tastes great on veggie burgers? Lettuce, tomato and beef.

-If not for stress, I'd have no energy at all.

-Sunsets, rainbows and baby chicks. Well, that's my "fuzzy crap quota"
for the day!

-Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got
you mad in the first place?

-Call me old or fat. Then call 911.

-Take every birthday with a grain off salt. This works much better if the salt
is accompanied by a large margarita.

-You can't always get what you want. Unless what you want is old and flabby.
Most everyone can nail those two.

-Never ask a lady her age. And don't ask me either.

-Smile, and the world smiles with you. Unless you've forgotten to put
your teeth in.

-Getting older? Well, no sense crying over spilled nutritional supplement.

-I think I'll start my own restaurant chain called "Crabby Cafe". My slogan
will be "Where the line between toasted and burnt is very thin."

-I'd pay just about anything for a telemarketer's home phone number.

-A good host must always be a stickler for attractive food presentation.
I always take the plastic off the TV dinner before serving.

-Don't get new wall-to-wall carpeting installed. It would be cheaper
to walk on ten-dollar bills.

-On your birthday, play a game called Pin the Cleanup On the Guests.

-When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats
match, or at the very least, that they all come from the same restaurant.

-The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Keep that
in mind when deciding what to cook.

-The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over
your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to
pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.

-Last but not least, suck in your gut and tuck in your butt. Stand proud and
energetic. I want to see what you looked like 20 years ago.