Characteristics Of the Abuser And Abused

CHARACTERISTICS
OF THE ABUSER


Understanding Domestic Abuse is the first step toward a solution.


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INABILITY TO MANAGE ANGER

* Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers
* A person who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have available very many alternate ways to channel anger.
* A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

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INABILITY TO EXPRESS FEELINGS WITH WORDS

* This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable
* Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their spouse who is expected to "read" their mind and"know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the husband may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Rejection for the abuser = violence.

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EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE

* Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse.
* The result to their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness.
* One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature.
* The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities.
* The abuser lacks supportive relationships.
* Another sign of dependence is what happens when the abused person leaves the home because of abuse. It is common for the abused to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

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LOW SELF ESTEEM

* Jealousy, depression and sensitivity to criticism often result from low self esteem.

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RIGID APPLICATION OF TRADITIONAL SEX ATTITUDES

* Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. The husband may expect the wife to over fulfill all the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient.

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ALCOHOL AND DRUG DEPENDENCY

* 67% of abusers frequently use alcohol. Alcohol and drugs are used to avoid responsibility for actions.

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SOCIAL ISOLATION

* Those who isolate themselves from family, friends and people in the community don't have the resources to cope with the stress.

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PROTECTED FROM CONSEQUENCES

* Often a spouse will protect the abuser from consequences. The abuser must learn that actions have consequences.

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PRIDE COMBINED WITH POWER

* "When pride is mixed with power the result is genuinely volatile. Pride makes us think we are right, and power gives us the ability to cram our vision of rightness down everyone else's throat. The marriage between pride and power carries us to the brink of the demonic." (Richard Foster, Money, Sex, Power San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1983,p.180)


CHARACTERISTICS OF THE ABUSED

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PREVALANCE

1 in 10 women are assaulted during the course of their marriage. Those who press charges have been assaulted on an average 35 times.

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LOW SELF ESTEEM

This lack of self worth make them more vulnerable to their spouse. These people are told they are stupid, worthless, incompetent, bad wives, poor mothers. As the abuse continues it's hard for them to not believe.
Women will often put everyone else's needs before their own, she will virtually burn herself out trying to please the family. She will have a difficult time verbalizing her needs, feelings, and expectations and will tend to focus on the needs and behaviors of the husband and children exclusively.

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UNREALISTIC HOPE

In spite of her pain she will love and feel loyal to her mate. She will believe that if she stay long enough they will be able to rescue the situation. Many wives of abusive husbands are drawn to such men because of the need to be responsible for and nurture someone who has problems. Time after time the husband promises to change and she clings to that hope.

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ISOLATION

By the time they come for help they have cut off most family, friends, and church.

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EMOTIONAL AND ECONOMIC DEPENDENCY

Many women have very little self confidence after years of abuse. She will come for help only when she believes the children are in danger.

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STRONG TRADITIONAL VIEW OF MARRIAGE

They see themselves as wives and mothers who should be nurturing, submissive and forgiving of their husband.

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BITTERNESS (Hebrews 12:15)

The many" defiled or hurt are the kids, friends, and spouse. Bitterness may spring up sometimes.