What I Didn't Know About Men

-by Shaunti Feldhahn

Have you ever been totally confused by something the man in your life has said or done? Have you ever wondered, looking at his rapidly departing back, Why did that make him so angry? Have you ever been perplexed by your husband's defensiveness when you ask him to stop working so much? Yeah? Me too.

But now, after conducting spoken and written interviews with more than one thousand men, I can tell you that the answers to those and dozens of other common perplexities are all related to what is going on in your man's inner life. Most are things he wishes you knew but doesn't know how to tell you. In some cases, they're things he has no idea you don't know.

Lightbulb On! It turned out that these men shared some surprisingly common inner wiring. At their secret inner core, many had similar fears and concerns, feelings and needs.

I discovered that there were many things I thought I understood about men — but really didn't. In several areas, my understanding was purely surface-level. Once I got below the surface and into specifics, everything changes. I felt like a cartoon character who suddenly had a lightbulb over my head.

Even better, it turned out that those revelations were mostly about things that my own husband always wished I knew but couldn't figure out how to explain. And that was a common refrain from most of the men I talked to. Although I still make many mistakes in my relationship with my husband — and will continue to! — finally grasping these things has hopefully helped me to better appreciate and support him in the way that he needs.

I want that lightbulb to go on for you as well.

Seven Revelations
So here are seven revelations — followed by translations from "surface level" to "in practice" — that you, like me, may not have realized before.

Surface Understanding #1: Men need respect.
What that means in practice: Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.

Surface Understanding #2: Men are insecure.
What that means in practice: Despite their "in control" exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.

Surface Understanding #3: Men are providers.
What that means in practice: Even if you personally made enough income to support the family's lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide.

Surface Understanding #4: Men want more sex.
What That Means in Practice: Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of life.

Surface Understanding #5: Men are visual.
What that means in practice: Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.

Surface Understanding #6: Men are unromantic clods.
What that means in practice: Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic — but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.

Surface Understanding #7: Men care about appearance.
What that means in practice: You don't need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself — and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you.

The more we understand the men in our lives, the better we can support and love them in the way they need to be loved. In other words, this revelation is supposed to change and improve us.