The Christian Answer To Abuse

Question: "What is the Christian answer to domestic violence?"

Answer: Marriage is the first institution that God established between people. Both men and women were created in His image; equal partners with distinctively different roles (Genesis 1:27). A man is to be the head, or authority, of his household (Ephesians 5:23, 1 Peter 3:1). With this comes the responsibility of earning the respect of his family and community. Colossians 3:19 commands husbands to love their wives and never treat them harshly.

“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard” (1 Peter 3:7).

Husbands are to love their wives as they do their own bodies. “No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church” (Ephesians 5:29). Men are to be servant leaders, not demanding authority or submission, but treating their wives in a way that submission becomes her natural response. “For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28).

Child abuse is also strongly condemned by God. Although discipline is important, its purpose should be to correct and direct the child to righteousness, not as a way of taking out anger unjustly. “And now a word to you fathers. Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, don't aggravate your children. If you do, they will become discouraged and quit trying.” We should do nothing to destroy the spirit of our children, or destroy their innocence. Jesus strongly warns those who might cause children to stumble, or lose faith in Him (Matthew 18:6).

Victims of domestic violence need to be protected, even moved temporarily to a safe place if necessary. If a wife is being abused by her husband, she needs to separate herself from him while he receives treatment for his violence. Once a Bible-believing Christian counselor has deemed it appropriate for the couple to reunite, they should make every effort to reconcile and live in peace, while continuing marriage and/or family counseling.

This is only possible if both parties are willing to commit their lives to Christ and make God the Head of their household. They should find a local Bible-teaching Christian church, and commit themselves to membership. They should also find spiritually mature Christians who are willing to disciple them either individually or in a small group. The benefits to this are many, including accountability for their actions. “The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you” (Psalm 9:9-10).

Abuse should not be tolerated by anyone. No one should have to live in an abusive environment, whether it be from a family member, friend, employer, caregiver, or stranger. Physical abuse is against the law, and the authorities should be the first ones contacted if this occurs.

The best way to prevent ending up feeling trapped in an abusive marriage is to get to know a potential spouse before making the commitment to marry. The signs of being an abuser are manifested in one's personality. These “red flags” are always there, but are often overlooked or even ignored when attraction and infatuation take over. These signs can include: irrational jealousy, the need to be in control, a quick temper, attempts to isolate the other person from his or her friends and family, drug or alcohol abuse, and disrespect for their partner's boundaries, privacy, personal space, or moral values.

A wife (or husband) who is being abused should get herself, and any children, out of the situation immediately and find a new temporary home. I can find nothing in the Bible to indicate that separation in this instance would be wrong. Although friends and family will likely tell the woman (or man) to immediately file for divorce, God places a much higher value on marriage than the world does.

Once separated, the husband (if he is the abuser) has the responsibility to reach out for help. First and foremost, he should seek God. “For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks” (Matthew 7:8). No one has more power to heal individuals and relationships than God. He must be the Lord of our lives, the Master of our assets, and the Head of our households.

Both husband and wife must commit themselves to God and then develop a relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus Christ. “And this is the way to have eternal life – to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth” (John 17:3). This should be accompanied by intensive Christian counseling – first individually, then as a couple, and even for the entire family if necessary.

During this time, the wife should let her husband know of her unconditional love and support, and devote herself to much prayer. Although the effort must be made on the part of her husband to make the changes, she should not give up hope if he is at first resistant. However, if he never even takes the first step, she should not consider returning to him until he does.

The abused spouse should not return home until a trained Christian counselor decides that the family will be safe in the same home as the former abuser. Together, the couple should then commit to serving and obeying God. They should spend individual time with God daily, attend a Bible-believing church, begin serving God through a ministry, and get involved in small Bible study groups that fit their needs. “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun” (2 Corinthians 5:17)!

Recommended Resource: No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger & Nancy Nason-Clark.