How To Fight

HOW TO FIGHT
(or How to Lovingly Resolve Differences)
based on material by Kenneth L. Williams, Ph.D.

A. Necessary attitudes:

1. Sincere commitment to Jesus Christ.
2. Sincere commitment to your friend/partner.
a. Be willing to listen…to the end!
b. Be willing to accept feelings.
3. Commit to speak the truth, and to speak it in love.
a. If you are not honest—with yourself and others—you will inevitably get hurt. (Submission does NOT include dishonesty.)
b. Love is more than feeling. It is action (see I Cor. 13).
c. Accept compromise so that both parties can “win.” Any commitment up to 50% is merely barter. When either party loses, both lose.

B. Ground Rules:

1. Pray first. (Non-recurring issues can end here!)
2. Keep to the here and now. (“You always” and “you never” violate this rule: see Prov. 17:9.)
3. Keep to one issue. (The purpose of bringing up other issues is usually to attack or defend.)
4. Use “I” messages.
5. Avoid character analysis. (See Prov. 11:12.)
6. Do not counter-attack. (See Prov. 12:1.)
7. Avoid mind reading. (The “why” is not the issue; the behavior itself is.)
8. Deal with conflicts quickly. (Don’t let bitterness grow.)
9. Keep emotions appropriate. (Expressing emotions is helpful, but remember Prov. 15:18)
10. Don’t try to win.
11. Establish belt-lines. (These will be different for different people. They are comments which are too hurtful or damaging to be able to handle.)
12. Call foul when a rule is broken.

C. A suggested procedure:

STAGE 1: Preparation.

1. Partner ‘A’ feels a need for conflict resolution and takes it to the Lord.
Goal: Bring the Lord into the issue first.
Tell God how you feel. Ask yourself, “Am I ready to be hones as well as loving? Is this the true issue, or a surface one? Am I ready to present a specific request for change?” Ask God to prepare your friend’s heart. Prepare yourself with Scripture such as Gal. 6:1.
2. Partner ‘A’ announces his/her intention.
Goal: Open the issue.
Say something like, “I have a problem I need to talk over with you.” Timing is crucial.
Arrange for a time suitable to both of you.

STAGE 2: One side shares and is “heard.”

3. Partner ‘A’ states the complaint.
Goal: Adequate statement and understanding of the issue.
State two things: 1) what is wrong, and 2) how you feel about it. Keep your statements short and simple. Partner ‘B’ is to reflect what he hears, including the intensity of the feelings expressed. At this point, Partner ‘B’ is not to insert any of his/her own thoughts or feelings. (This may be the hardest part of the entire process!) When Partner ‘A’ believes he/she is thoroughly understood, go to next step.

STAGE 3: The other side shares and is “heard.”

4. Partner ‘B’ responds to Partner ‘A’.
Goal: Expression and understanding of Partner ‘B’s response to the issue.
Again, keep statements short and simple, waiting often for feedback. This time, Partner ‘A’ may not insert any of his/her own thoughts or feelings.

STAGE 4: Resolution.

5. Ask for and grant forgiveness.
Goal: Resolve any resentments held by either partner.
In most cases, both partners must do this. Asking forgiveness does not necessarily imply that you were wrong or intended hurt—it only acknowledges that your actions or words have hurt your friend. You want to free him/her from any resulting resentments so that your relationship may be restored.
Even if you cannot, on a feeling level, grant the forgiveness, you can make the decision that you will. Be sure to SPEAK OUT that forgiveness. If necessary, you may add, “I’ll let you know when my feeling catch up.” (This step is inserted here because it must take place. Often, it can take place earlier; sometimes it can wait until after a short intermission (see Step 7).

6. Partner ‘A’ proposes a solution to the conflict.
Goal: Proposal and understanding of possible solutions.
Using the same techniques described before, Partner ‘A’ makes his/her proposal, with Partner ‘B’ reflecting. Afterwards, Partner ‘B’ may a) agree, b) propose a totally different solution, or c) propose a compromise solution.

7. (Optional) Take an intermission.
Goal: Allow extra time, if needed, before final decision.
A solution is often much easier to reach after a time to cool down and to allow God to reveal creative alternatives.

8. A solution is chosen.
Goal: A specific plan, understood by both partners, is agreed upon that will lead to growth and improved relationship.
Include measurable actions, and a specified period of time, such as one week or one month, after which you will evaluate the “solution.” Conclude the session with affirmations of your care and commitment to your friend/partner.

9. Review the conflict.
Goal: To learn from the experience and review the solution.
Spend time alone asking yourself such things as, “What have I learned. What to You, God, want to teach me? Did I abide by the ground rules? Have all hurts been forgiven?”
At the appointed time, review with your partner to see if the chosen solution is satisfactory to both of you. If not, the subject is to be re-opened and alternative solutions sought.

D. Summary:
This approach will be seen as cumbersome and awkward to many. However, these very characteristics force the partners to concentrate on the process of resolving their conflicts. It slows that process down to enable them to work at it step by step. This process requires continued effort to master, and often requires the aid of a third party who knows the system, a referee, to help you learn and apply it. The rewards are worth the effort. May God grant you increasing joy and contentment in all your relationships.