I Thought...

by Melissa Fralik


Once upon a time, I thought,

He was the soul mate I had sought.

I loved this man, with all my heart,

At last, I believed, a brand new start.

He was so thoughtful, loving, kind.

And always kept my feelings in mind.

I went all out to show my love.

I thanked whoever was up above.





He felt the same, or so I thought.

At first it seemed that's what I got.

But soon his doubts began to creep,

Disturbing peace, and even sleep.

No matter what I said to him,

His view of me was very grim.

Accused of lying and cheating too,

I tried to tell him it wasn't true.

"But all the signs are there", he said.

"Maybe subconsciously in your head

You just aren't aware of what you feel."

But he was wrong; my feelings were real.





Nothing I did was ever enough.

His mood and temper were becoming gruff.

The negative thoughts he had of me

Were real to him but hurtful indeed.

Constantly questioning my thinking and feeling,

Would leave me sinking, my head just reeling.

Someday he will see, I thought.

His fears about me aren't real; they're not.





But soon my denial of his perception

Spawned more fears of my intention.

He began to suspect my goal was control.

By defending my self, I was digging a hole.

He was angry because I said he was wrong

Not realizing he'd done this to me all along.

He controlled my emotions when he was suspicious,

His displays of anger became more malicious.





He wouldn't hurt me, or so I thought.

But in his cycle I was caught.

I was expected to understand

His fears and lend a helping hand.

Yet talking led nowhere, he kept insisting.

My love and devotion he was resisting.





My own self-esteem was really dwindling.

He'd take my defence and use it as kindling.

In anger and resentment my voice would get higher.

Next thing I knew we had a raging fire.

My fault he said, for being defensive,

He was just talking; I was offensive.

Someday he will see, I thought.

He was usually responsible when we fought.





His constant, subtle doubts of me,

The putdowns about my family,

The accusations about my intentions,

And frequent, confusing misperceptions.

My parenting, housekeeping: both in question.

My opinions, feelings, every suggestion

Were reasons for anger, resentment and rage.

I was beginning to feel like I lived in a cage.

He was offensive and I was oppressed.

I cried all the time, became very depressed.





Yet according to him, I was equally bad

For saying mean things when I got mad.

But I am just human and I couldn't take

The one I loved filled with so much hate.

He called me a liar, a cheater too.

And always said I don't know what I do.





"I hate you, don't love you; get out of my life."

"I love you, I'm sorry, please be my wife."

"You never shut up, you're such a bitch,

It's over, I've had it; you blew it you witch."

"I didn't mean it, I'm just so stressed,

I've had a rough life and I'm so depressed."

Yes, I've called him unstable, crazy, psychotic,

Delusional, selfish, controlling, neurotic.

But he choked me while I cried, "I love you, I do"

So maybe in fact my words were true.





Of course I defended myself, who wouldn't?

I loved and trusted, too bad he couldn't.

What I had thought is now long gone.

It's time for me to carry on.

I hope someday that he will see

Exactly what he did to me.

Melissa